I can’t believe this is happening again. I’ve only been in Delhi for five months, and already everything that I’d tried so hard to fix in the few months before that, is crumbling around me. Is this a Delhi thing? Is this a me thing? Why don’t I ever learn? Why don’t things change, even when I try so hard? Why does everything suck so much right now?

For the first time in my life, I had a weekend off from work. It’s technically the third time, but the first time I took a trip to the hills, and the second time I went home for a friend’s wedding, so this is the first time I was in Delhi to enjoy a weekend off from work. I spent Saturday mostly cleaning my house because I was hosting a small party later that evening. It was a lot more fun than I’d expected it to be, and on several occasions I was worried that some neighbour would ring the bell and ask us to keep the voice down.

Today, I mostly slept and ate the leftover pizza, fought with my mother on Mother’s Day, refused to call her back to apologize, and watched NH10 for the first time. I am scared of that movie. I have nothing else to say for it at the moment.

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. This sentiment came at least 18 months into my first job. Here, it took five months. I’m really hoping this is temporary because of what’s happening in office, otherwise I’m screwed.

I’ve joined dance classes. I don’t know what I was thinking. Actually, I do. I needed something, other than work, to focus on. And apparently panting during the first 10 minutes of a dance class while college students hop around me was it.

Five years (and not counting anymore)

Exactly three nights ago, I ended a five-year-long relationship in the worst possible way. I almost opened my laptop to blog about it then, but decided I was too tired and went to sleep instead. I think that bothers me. Not the break-up, if I can even call it that, but the fact that I didn’t even flinch when I did it. “It’s over. I’m done. This has gone on long enough.” Who says that? When an ex said something similar to me six years ago, I was livid. My friends were furious. How dare he? Where is the compassion? He could have said a thousand different things, why this? So, yes, why this? Because I am a little freaked out by what my parents are planning. Because I really am done, tired, a little irritated. Because we were really stretching it, at this point we had nothing significant to say to each other. I don’t know, they sound like excuses. They probably are. Even today, my friends, even the ones who disapproved from the beginning, say, “But are you sure? You could have given it a shot. How do you know it’s not love?” I just do. It’s not love. It’s not compatibility. It won’t hold up for the rest of our lives. So then what’s the point? I’m a cynic, a pessimist through and through, but even I have to ask that question.