Okay, Blogger has really changed since I last wrote something here. Usually I open this page when something bad happens or if I'm in a funk, but today I want to capture the relief of my day. Nobody even comes here anymore, including me, so this seems like the perfect place to put this down.
I had a conversation with my mother today, which is a rarity. We fight or argue or snap at each other all the time, but we rarely talk. I actively avoid spending much time alone with her unless an activity or watching Bigg Boss is involved, because it always ends in an argument. I have conversations with my father, but only showdowns with my mother.
Today, I was sitting in her room because she was helping me pick which lipsticks to buy online. I was able to do this in the middle of the afternoon because I am currently on leave (my entire family and I have COVID - we are okay). She offhandedly asked me about the latest shaadidotcom boy I am speaking to, and I told her he had messaged me but I told him I'm sick so I'll speak to him next week. She said, "Arey beta talk to him properly. Obviously he's interested." Normally, I'd nod or say yes and move on, but today I said, "Why is he interested? On what basis has he shown interest considering every time we've spoken he hasn't bothered to ask me a single question about me?" And before she could say anything, I added, "I have to say that I just DO NOT understand this entire process. I am only doing this for you and papa but I HATE it."
Instead of bursting into tears or yelling at me - which are her two standard responses to something like this - she was like, you hate this or the concept of marriage? That was all the permission I needed. I unloaded all of my very unpopular opinions about marriage on her, most of which she had heard before but always when I was extremely agitated and incoherent. Today, I didn't feel attacked so I could properly explain to her why I just don't see myself ever getting married (or being happy in a traditional marriage).
She said all the usual stuff - what about when we die, what about when you're older, what about your 'needs', what about the 1000 things we're 'supposed to' do? I told her I didn't care about anything and I am capable enough of taking care of myself and my needs, it's not like I will be an unmarried jogan. She laughed and said no, you can't date if you don't marry. I was like if that is your condition to call this off, I am READY. That is how much I hate the idea of getting married like this.
She was quiet for a moment. Then she said, "And what about when you want kids?" We had never reached this far. My very controversial opinion about kids has never once been discussed in this house. I knew that this could end this peaceful moment between us but I felt like today was an all or nothing day. "I don't ever want kids, not even half a kid. I just... I can't do all this for another person. What you do for me, I could never do for another person. I'm not made like that. I'm also going to make it clear to every shaadidotcom boy. And I am never going to listen to anyone else about this, like I'm listening to you about shaadi, because it's about my body."
To my shock and endless relief, she laughed. "How are you like this? No one in our family is like this." "I am not joking. I cannot even think about having kids, the thought is only making me want to throw up."
"Okay, fine," she said, "let's end this topic here. I've heard enough for one day." I persisted, "I'm serious. I am telling you I am not made for any of this. So it'll be best if you can talk to papa and tell him this is how I feel and I'd really like it if you stop throwing your money at these websites."
"I don't think we'll give up so easily. You're only 30. But I do worry that if you somehow get married you'll make your husband miserable." Then she laughed.
I knew I shouldn't push my luck any further, so I went back to choosing lipstick shades. A while later, when I was in my room, she poked her head in and said, "One year later, when your brother wants to marry, you're okay with your younger sibling getting married before you?" Yes. Of course. "Yes," I said. Okay, she said and left.
I am not naive. I know that this is not the end of this discussion. But I am very pleasantly surprised that my mother didn't shut me down, that she actually heard what I was saying, and that she seemed 20% receptive to why I was feeling this way. This is 50000% more progress than I have ever made on this cursed topic with my parents.
I don't know how this happened, why she was in this mood, but I am not going to question a miracle. And while I know that my battle is long and uphill, tonight I feel a sense of relief and lightness that I haven't felt since I was 24.
