Snippets - I

“Do you think all bosses are crazy, or do I just have rotten luck?”
“Both.”

“I just thought, after what happened last year with the quitting, the sabbatical, the new job, that I wouldn’t have to make any more decisions for a while.”
“But you’ll always have to make decisions now. Personal or professional. That’s adult life.”

“What am I supposed to say?”
“You know, random shit.”
“What random shit? How do I ignore the elephant in the room? Am I supposed to bring up that he’s my potential husband? Chosen by my parents?”
“Um, I don’t think so.”


“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Um…”
“Um…”
“Sorry I couldn’t talk earlier, I was on a deadline.”
“No problem. Are you home now?”
“No, I’m still at work.”
“SO LATE?!!!”
“Um, it’s 8.15.”


“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Um…”
“Um…”
“Had dinner?”


“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Um…”
“Um…”
“What's up?”
“I’m out with friends. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Oh, great. Out where?”
“Social.”
“What’s Social?”

“I can’t marry him, mumma. I don’t even want to meet him.”
“Why? He seems nice.”
“He doesn’t know what Social is! How is that possible?”


“Will you help me buy baby clothes for someone?”
“Of course!”
“And also something for the mother, to say sorry for being such a crappy friend to you for the last six months.”


“I’m sorry I’ve been such a crappy friend. I’m sorry I’m seeing your baby for the first time when she’s almost a year old.”
“I thought that you didn’t want to talk to me, because I have a baby and all. Because I’m practically another generation now.”
“Don’t be silly. If anything, you’ll think my problems are lame, now that you’ve given birth to another human being.”


“When was the last time you saw A?”
“I don’t know, last month? We went out for dinner with a couple of other people from journalism school.”
“Was R there?”
“No, he didn’t come because he and I were fighting.”
“I have this weird feeling, like how are other people still breaking up and patching up when I’m up all night changing diapers.”

“Did he really say that?”
“Yes.”
“He used the word defective? He said if you’re not married by 27 people will think you’re defective?”
“Yes.”
“What an asshole. I’m so angry your friend is married to him.”


“Do you think I’m defective?”
“Of course not!”
“Yeah, of course not.”

“I don’t want to meet him, Papa. There’s nothing impressive about him.”
“Okay, don’t worry. Let me call you back.”

“Don’t meet him. Say no.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, you have to marry him. If you don’t want to meet him, don’t.”
“You’re not angry?”
“Are you crazy? Of course not. Nobody is going to force you to meet anyone.”
“Oh.”
“Are you crying?”

“I’m so homesick. I’m so upset. I’m so cranky.”
“Do you wanna go home?”
“God, no.”

I can’t believe this is happening again. I’ve only been in Delhi for five months, and already everything that I’d tried so hard to fix in the few months before that, is crumbling around me. Is this a Delhi thing? Is this a me thing? Why don’t I ever learn? Why don’t things change, even when I try so hard? Why does everything suck so much right now?

For the first time in my life, I had a weekend off from work. It’s technically the third time, but the first time I took a trip to the hills, and the second time I went home for a friend’s wedding, so this is the first time I was in Delhi to enjoy a weekend off from work. I spent Saturday mostly cleaning my house because I was hosting a small party later that evening. It was a lot more fun than I’d expected it to be, and on several occasions I was worried that some neighbour would ring the bell and ask us to keep the voice down.

Today, I mostly slept and ate the leftover pizza, fought with my mother on Mother’s Day, refused to call her back to apologize, and watched NH10 for the first time. I am scared of that movie. I have nothing else to say for it at the moment.

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. This sentiment came at least 18 months into my first job. Here, it took five months. I’m really hoping this is temporary because of what’s happening in office, otherwise I’m screwed.

I’ve joined dance classes. I don’t know what I was thinking. Actually, I do. I needed something, other than work, to focus on. And apparently panting during the first 10 minutes of a dance class while college students hop around me was it.

Five years (and not counting anymore)

Exactly three nights ago, I ended a five-year-long relationship in the worst possible way. I almost opened my laptop to blog about it then, but decided I was too tired and went to sleep instead. I think that bothers me. Not the break-up, if I can even call it that, but the fact that I didn’t even flinch when I did it. “It’s over. I’m done. This has gone on long enough.” Who says that? When an ex said something similar to me six years ago, I was livid. My friends were furious. How dare he? Where is the compassion? He could have said a thousand different things, why this? So, yes, why this? Because I am a little freaked out by what my parents are planning. Because I really am done, tired, a little irritated. Because we were really stretching it, at this point we had nothing significant to say to each other. I don’t know, they sound like excuses. They probably are. Even today, my friends, even the ones who disapproved from the beginning, say, “But are you sure? You could have given it a shot. How do you know it’s not love?” I just do. It’s not love. It’s not compatibility. It won’t hold up for the rest of our lives. So then what’s the point? I’m a cynic, a pessimist through and through, but even I have to ask that question.

Cried for the first time in the new office today. First time in five months. That’s certainly an improvement from my previous job, but I didn’t expect it to happen here. I’ve been wondering for a few days. Is it me, or them? Does everyone suck, or do I fall into the same sucky patterns everywhere?

Is lasagna code for something?

My best friend from school left the country this morning to live her (hopefully) happy married life. I’d known this was going to happen for years, but when she called this morning, half an hour before her flight was taking off, I wanted to cry. It could be because I’d just woken up from a night of 10-hour sleep after two sleepless nights, or because I hadn’t been able to talk to her properly for the last one week, but I think the real reason was that she was, simply, going so far away. Now when I go home I won’t be able to see her.

***

Speaking of home, I’m going to Jaipur day after tomorrow for the weekend for a friend’s wedding. It’s nothing to do with my stand on marriage anymore, but I think I’ve started to hate friends’ weddings because they’re taking away all my vacation days. I’m also a little worried about the parents’ reaction to a few things that I don’t want to think about right now, but won’t be able to escape there.

***

Work was, simply put, hell last week. It gave me flashbacks from my old job, and that is never a good thing. I spent some time trying to understand if it’s me, if I give out the doormat vibe sometimes, but I don’t think so. I will have to figure this out if I see a repeat of last week happening again, because there is a reason I quit my last job. And, as predicted, on a regular basis my work has tripled because I got a promotion. Can someone please give me tips on how to run a team and how to be a boss of, like, three people? I don’t feel equipped to handle this kind of responsibility.

***

I went out with my journalism school friends last week, and it was a nice chill dinner with a lot of grown-up talk, like marriage (duh) and grocery shopping. Two years ago we’d have laughed if one of us had suggested going to The Big Chill instead of having a low-key house party. Now, some of us are trying to quit cigarettes and some of us are trying to quit each other.

My best friend from back home was in town last weekend and stayed with me for a bit. Not only did we have an insane amount of fun, but she also cooked enough food for me to last three days. Which basically means that I am sorted till I go home, then when I go home my mother will send food, and I don’t have to cook anything for at least 10 days now. This is a blessing.

***

The way my day started, I’m not surprised I ended it by crying on the sofa while watching One Day on TV. If someone ever asks me to describe my 20s, I’d ask them to read this book. Please read it if you haven’t already.

***

The line in the title of this post was said in the context of The Boy, but what do I say about him that I haven’t already said in the last few years? I really, really hate being this cliché. 

Flying high

It’s 1.50am on a Saturday night, I’m unwell, but I can’t sleep. Plus I’ve been meaning to blog for a while, so this is as good a time as any.

This time last Saturday, I was in Bir, Himachal Pradesh, slightly stoned and very happy. For the first time in my life, I had a four-day weekend off, and instead of going home, I went on a trip with a friend. In the first week of March, I wrote that I wanted, no needed, to do something crazy, like bungee jumping, and in the last week of March, I did. This has literally never happened with me in the past, considering I am 100% not an adrenaline junkie.

When we were deciding where to go that long weekend, the names Bir-Billing kept coming up, but the only thing to do there is paragliding, which sounded scary and insane and totally not-me. We kept trying to put off booking the bus tickets because of a host of reasons, until it became clear that if we didn’t book them we wouldn’t be able to go. So finally we decided to go to McLeodganj, and wing it for Bir-Billing. Except that McLeodganj was a shitstorm.

I can’t say much because I also went there from Delhi, but literally half of Delhi was there. It was bursting with people, we were staying in a shit hotel, and we had to walk everywhere. Had it not been for Illiterati Café, I would have started crying. We left that town in 20 hours, after I did some underhanded deal to get some hash, which after frantic Googling, my friend and I confirmed was the same thing as charas. I know, didn't instill any confidence in us either.

The drive from McLeodganj to Bir was gorgeous enough to lift our spirits, and when we reached our resort in Bir, it was clear that we’d stepped into Eat Pray Love land. There were just trees and butterflies and dogs and three people serving us average food and dubious looking nimbu-paani. The weather app was telling us that it could rain any time, so when we were asked if we wanted to go paragliding right away, we said yes without thinking too much about it.

Sleep-deprived and a little grumpy, we got into the car that would take us to Billing, the world’s second-highest paragliding site. The road trip was scary intense, and my friend and I held hands the whole time. The only time we felt vaguely okay was when Main Hoon Hero Tera came on the music player of the car, and she said, ‘Bhai hamare saath hain’. We giggled and prayed and second guessed the entire thing, and somehow reached Billing, which was breathtaking. The snow-capped mountains were just a stone’s throw away, and while I was busy clicking pictures, my friend was losing her shit.

She didn’t want to do it, she didn’t want to die, and she was shaking a little bit. I was surprisingly game for the whole thing, or maybe I wasn’t trying to freak her out more. I’m not sure, because before I knew it, she had run off a cliff and was in the air. Within two minutes, a big backpack was being strapped on to me and I was also being told to run off a cliff with my pilot. Um, no freaking way, I thought, as I ran. The next thing I know, I’m flying. I’m in the air, in the sky, and everything is tiny as fuck.

It was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life, and almost indescribable. My mind went blank and I was just happy. You can see it in my dorky photos and video. When I finally landed, and hurt my ankles, I ran to my still shaken-up friend, who definitely didn’t enjoy it as much as I did. We had some incredible nimbu-paani with trembling hands in the middle of that field, and went back to our resort for a nap.

We woke up four hours later, finally rested and very hungry. We asked for some momos and wai-wai, which were turning out to be our best options for food in the trip. My friend rolled joints, taught me how to, and opened a bottle of wine. Over lots of emotional songs and unnecessary cigarettes, we talked endlessly until the resort dudes brought us dinner. We went to bed with headaches. I woke up in the middle of the night to call my best friend back home, and ask her if I should call my ex (ex? I don’t know what to call him), and ask him if the rumours were true and he was getting married. I don’t remember how she talked me out of it.

For the next couple of days, we literally left that resort only to go to the ATM and a monastery. We stayed in our little cottage, stoned and full of stories, happy, hungry and restless about what we were doing with our lives. When we came back to Delhi, we’d checked off some things off our bucket list, and tried to pretend like that was enough.

***

Two years ago in April, I was asking my boss to be transferred to Jaipur in my old job, and acting like my life was getting over. In my defense, it really did feel that way. Two years later, it’s a different job, but it’s the same city, and when you live in the same city as your past, you sometimes run into it.

I don’t want to write about what happened on Thursday in detail here, because it was equal parts awkward and heart-breaking. For almost 10 minutes, I was pretty certain I was going to start howling in public. I didn’t. The feeling passed, I survived, and I was unexpectedly okay the next morning. What I didn’t know was that I were to have some kind of a blast from the past weekend.

The boy, my ex, whatever, I don’t even know what to call him, he got back in touch, and we seem to be falling back into our exhausting routine while avoiding the question of what the fuck we're really doing.

I don’t know man. I don’t have time for this right now. If everything goes according to plan, my work is about to be tripled in office, and it’s so hot my brain refuses to work half the time.

But hey, at least now I know how to fly.