Is lasagna code for something?

My best friend from school left the country this morning to live her (hopefully) happy married life. I’d known this was going to happen for years, but when she called this morning, half an hour before her flight was taking off, I wanted to cry. It could be because I’d just woken up from a night of 10-hour sleep after two sleepless nights, or because I hadn’t been able to talk to her properly for the last one week, but I think the real reason was that she was, simply, going so far away. Now when I go home I won’t be able to see her.

***

Speaking of home, I’m going to Jaipur day after tomorrow for the weekend for a friend’s wedding. It’s nothing to do with my stand on marriage anymore, but I think I’ve started to hate friends’ weddings because they’re taking away all my vacation days. I’m also a little worried about the parents’ reaction to a few things that I don’t want to think about right now, but won’t be able to escape there.

***

Work was, simply put, hell last week. It gave me flashbacks from my old job, and that is never a good thing. I spent some time trying to understand if it’s me, if I give out the doormat vibe sometimes, but I don’t think so. I will have to figure this out if I see a repeat of last week happening again, because there is a reason I quit my last job. And, as predicted, on a regular basis my work has tripled because I got a promotion. Can someone please give me tips on how to run a team and how to be a boss of, like, three people? I don’t feel equipped to handle this kind of responsibility.

***

I went out with my journalism school friends last week, and it was a nice chill dinner with a lot of grown-up talk, like marriage (duh) and grocery shopping. Two years ago we’d have laughed if one of us had suggested going to The Big Chill instead of having a low-key house party. Now, some of us are trying to quit cigarettes and some of us are trying to quit each other.

My best friend from back home was in town last weekend and stayed with me for a bit. Not only did we have an insane amount of fun, but she also cooked enough food for me to last three days. Which basically means that I am sorted till I go home, then when I go home my mother will send food, and I don’t have to cook anything for at least 10 days now. This is a blessing.

***

The way my day started, I’m not surprised I ended it by crying on the sofa while watching One Day on TV. If someone ever asks me to describe my 20s, I’d ask them to read this book. Please read it if you haven’t already.

***

The line in the title of this post was said in the context of The Boy, but what do I say about him that I haven’t already said in the last few years? I really, really hate being this cliché. 

February updates

I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without blogging since I started nine years ago. But I guess a new job will do that to you. My responsibilities are increasing, and yesterday I felt like I was in an episode of Suits, because I didn’t expect this workplace to be so cut-throat or stressful. Turns out, every single workplace is stressful, so we’re all doomed. I have to do something before the 15th, failing which, I’m in deep shit at work. But let’s not think about that right now.

The reason I could find the time, and inclination, to blog today is because I came home this morning. This is the first time I’ve come back to Jaipur after moving out again, and I don’t know what I was expecting, but I wasn’t hit by any overwhelming emotions while coming home from the airport. Sitting at this desk, where I spent almost all my time on this laptop planning my escape, I only feel a dull sense of something, not loss exactly, but that could be because I haven’t slept well all week. After I reached home, I was in bed and out for four hours. I guess that says something about home, even if I try to dismiss that concept these days.

The updates are far too many, so subheads it shall be.

Work

Is fine. Like I said, I don’t know why I expected it to be easier this time around. It’s definitely easier than my previous job in some ways, but it still drains me. And this deadline till the 15th is pissing me off, more than anything else, because it’s not very fair. Other than that, I think I’m doing okay, the people are nice, the place is nice, but it’s still work, and I’ve come to understand that it’s very rarely fulfilling. Some friends tell me it’s a dream job when I write on something particular, but I think I’ve established that that term is an illusion.

House

Continues to challenge me. I’d be going around thinking everything is fine and then suddenly something will stop working. Living alone is great, but sometimes I really want a flatmate around just to get shit fixed. I bought a few things for the house, hung up some fairy lights and made a Tumblr collage on a wall to make it feel like home. It does, on some days. But on some days, it’s still just a house.

Friends

Are assholes. I’m not even kidding. I guess this is payback for being a horrible friend during my last couple of years in my previous job, but my friends have disappointed me so much in the last few weeks. That makes it sound like I need to get off my high horse, and maybe I do, but I swear I’m not overreacting. I know everybody has problems, I know you can’t always talk about them even with your closest friends, but please be an adult and BE THERE. You’re not the only one who’s feeling lost. A friend told me the other day that I need to give up on such friends, understand that someone might be my oldest friend and still ditch me. That made me so sad. Adult friendship is a bitch.

Social life

Is thriving. I’ve taken my oath to not let this job take over my social life very seriously, which might explain why I go out so much and spend an insane amount of money on cabs and extra-sweet mocktails. But at least friends have fewer complaints that way and I am not completely cut off from everyone, just going to work and coming back the next day. But I need to go to more events, like festivals and stuff. I feel like I need to somehow see more of Delhi.

Parents

Are aggressively looking for a groom for me. I don’t even know how to explain this. I’ve had so many conversations with so many people about why and how I am okay with arranged marriage. I am not, but I don’t hate the idea either. Or so I thought. Plus I needed them to stop worrying, so I said 'fine, start looking'. I don’t think I’ve been part of a more dehumanizing process before. It’s a market, and you really, truly understand it when it starts happening to you. An older cousin, who’s been going through the same thing for years, has been telling me to not react to everything, to pick my battles. But it’s so difficult to do that when all I want to do is scream every time my father calls.

I didn’t even want to come home today, because I was worried shaadi is all we would talk about. My mother mentioned a rishta within 30 minutes of me walking into the house. I think my face stopped her from mentioning more. But I was so homesick in Delhi, and it’s one of my best friends’ wedding, so I couldn’t not come to Jaipur.

That’s the other thing. I know everyone thinks that all of their friends are getting married right now, but mine literally are. I’ve attended two weddings in the last three months, I’m here for this one, and then I’m invited to two more in the next two months. And these are all close friends. So perhaps that freaks out my parents even more? Twenty-six is not the end. Fifty-six is not the end either. I know we keep talking about how to teach our children about feminism, but sometimes I feel like we need to give a few lessons to our parents as well.

Adulting

Is a myth. Or is it? I wouldn't know because I have been failing at it for almost a month now. The first couple of months were okay, but in February, I really let myself go. I stopped cooking, I started eating out a lot, which then affected my weight and skin and everything I had worked very hard for during my sabbatical. I haven’t slept for more than four hours every night in two weeks, and that’s because I can’t seem to go to sleep before 3 or 4, and then I’m running late in the morning and I can’t concentrate at work and it’s all just downhill from there. The other day I had to get a massage for two thousand bucks because my body was killing me. I really, really need to step it up. I just don’t know how.

TV

Keeps me sane. The discovery of the year so far has been Veep. Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ face after every disaster in Veep gives me life. Now I kinda understand why she kept beating Amy Poehler at the Emmy awards every year, but I still wanted Leslie Knope to win at least once. Also, I’ve come to understand that I love shows where people screw up repeatedly at work, or even in general. It gives me hope about my life.

Another revelation was Friday Night Lights. I think I watched four seasons in a week (which accounts for why I stayed up till 4am on some days), and there are just so many emotions in that show. If you like soapy shows, like Parenthood or Grey’s, you should watch it.

I’ve also started watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on TV. I think I’m in love with Rachel Bloom.

Books

Are the major reason I can live alone and be okay with it. But – and I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot – I NEED a book that will change my life. Like One Day did, or The Sky is Everywhere, or We Need to Talk About Kevin. You by Caroline Kepnes did that for a while last month (you should read it and get freaked out, too), and I was haunted by it for weeks afterwards. Its sequel is out so that should carry me through this month. But I still need more. I’m reading The Palace of Illusions right now, and it’s not as engaging as everyone told me it would be.

Life

Is okay. It could have been much worse, and I’m definitely not depressed like I was towards the end of my previous job. But sometimes I really regret taking up this job so soon. I think my sabbatical ended too quickly and I could have still been chilling at home. Or maybe that’s just my laziness talking? Because if I were still at home, this shaadi stuff would have been that much more irritating. So, I guess it all worked out? 

But I really feel like I need to do something crazy. Not hooking up with the wrong person crazy or yelling at the boss crazy. Something that gives me a rush. Like bungee jumping. Um, I don't know where that came from.

I don’t want to stop blogging, because the other day I read a year’s worth of my old posts at 2am and then messaged some questionable things to someone. You need that kind of wake-up call sometimes. You need to see how far you’ve come, and how far you still have to go.

Books read in 2015

1. Not That Kind Of Girl
2. What Alice Forgot
3. Big Little Lies
4. What Was She Thinking? Notes On A Scandal
5. Yes please
6. Graffiti Moon
7. Lipstick Jungle
8. The Truth About Alice
9. What I Had Before I Had You
10. Sex And The City
11. Imaginary Girls
12. On Dublin Street
13. Into The Deep
14. The House That BJ Built
15. Royal Wedding – Princess Diaries XI
16. Sound Bites
17. The DUFF
18. Beautiful Bastard series
19. The Girl On The Train
20. Afterburn
21. Before I Go To Sleep
22. Sweet Filthy Boy
23. The Silent Wife
24. Dangerous Girls
25. I Was Here
26. Some Girls Are
27. Three Wishes
28. The Hypnotist’s Love Story
29. Everything, Everything
30. Since You’ve Been Gone
31. Into The Darkest Corner
32. The Family Fang
33. Aarushi
34. Friendship: A novel
35. Carry On
36. The girls from Corona del Mar
37. How to be a woman
38. Why not me?

I am watching One Day on TV right now, and I suddenly have too many feelings about 2011. The movie isn’t even that great, even though it has Anne Hathaway in it. But it was the book that cemented a work friendship that went on to become so much more. The book understood what it’s like to be in your twenties, I used to say, even though I was just 21 at the time. Four years later, I still don’t know much about what it’s like to be in your twenties. Confused? Desperate? But 2011 was a good year. I got the job, which I very dramatically quit two months ago, and I was so happy, so eager to please, so invincible with my writing and my potential and my newfound freedom in Delhi. The days, all days, weekends included, were meant for work, and most nights, too. But the evenings I didn't spend at work, I spent with someone I now go to great lengths to avoid. My twenties are only half-over, but every day I worry that the rest of this decade will go exactly the same way, while simultaneously thinking about what I’m going to do if it doesn't.

If I hadn’t quit, I’d have been in Delhi right now for fashion week. That’s all there is to know about my mood right now.

While driving to my zumba class this morning, I saw the metro. Because this is the city I live in with my parents, a car and a driving license, I never have to take the public transport. At the most I take autos from malls because I still can’t do underground parking (which should be the next thing on my agenda). It’s been almost four months since the Jaipur Metro began operations and I’ve seen it maybe thrice.

But this morning when I saw it, when I was already 20 minutes late for class, I almost stopped my car to just stare at it. Because in this city that is definitely not Delhi, the low-floor buses and the metro confuse me a lot. Every time I see them I have to stop for a second to figure out where I am. And every time I realize that I'm not in Delhi anymore. Even though zumba and yoga are so intense I can’t really dwell on anything in those classes, seeing the metro only exacerbated what I’d been feeling for the last couple of days – a yearning for Delhi. For the city, not the people. For my places, not my friends.

I don’t know why. Maybe because I finally have some time to myself? Maybe because I watch too much American TV and sometimes miss the Delhi life that didn’t really exist – the walking around markets, sitting in cafes laughing with friends? Maybe because it’s raining?

I could take a trip to Delhi, of course. I have lots of friends there. But there are a few, um, issues that I’d have to deal with if I go. And I don’t think I’m ready for that confrontation yet.

In other news, I’m desperately looking for amazing, devastating books to read. Please recommend?

Although of course you end up becoming yourself*

Thirty-eight days since I’ve been jobless.

Contrary to what I’d thought, I’m not dying. I’m alive and thriving. In the last 38 days, I’ve thrown a bachelorette party, I’ve taken a vacation, I’ve started doing yoga, and I’ve broken someone’s heart. None of these things sound like they are about me, which is why I decided that I needed a new identity. A new blog, a new name, a new everything. Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to do – wiping the slate clean? And since that’s never going to happen in real life – refer post title – the least I can do is wipe my online slate clean. The previous blog had so much baggage that if it were a person it’d need two sessions of therapy daily.

I don’t know how much of a fresh start this is going to be. I could just as well fall back into old patterns and kill whatever is left of my spirit. But something tells me there’s a better chance of me making it through this time. And the narcissist that I am, even though I don’t feel like writing a lot these days, I want to document the whole process.

I’m re-reading The Sky Is Everywhere these days, and it’s making my heart sing. I’m also watching Californication for the first time, and it gives me so much hope for anyone who can’t seem to stop screwing up.

*Title credit goes directly to a friend and indirectly to David Lipsky.