Young and reckless

I think it’s a testament to how chill my life has been for the last two-and-a-half months that when something just slightly inconvenient happened today, I had to go to sleep to keep myself from tearing my hair out. Even then, after I woke up I binged on the most amazing namkeen ever created. Then felt horrible about my existence for about two seconds. I was a little surprised at just how upset I was that a phone call got rescheduled.

Or it could have been the fact that I was running on just five hours of sleep. There was a time when I didn’t need anything more than four hours. I could work, party, dance, fight - with time to spare - and I used to laugh at those listicles suggesting that in my mid or late twenties I’d need six hours at the least. Turns out listicles aren’t all bullshit.

I recently won Rs 4200 in a contest. A weight-loss challenge at my zumba class. I’ve never won anything in my life, not even a toffee. So this was huge, and not just because it had to do with weight.

My trip to the hills is fast approaching, but I need to tie up a few loose ends before leaving, including but not limited to finding a skirt that will not look awful while I dance to Nagada Sang Dhol on the 22nd. I don’t understand why we have to do ALL of Deepika’s steps. They’re awesome and awful.

I spent the last few days trying to figure out what my dream job could be. I thought my last job was my dream job, and it really delivered. Until it stopped. Now, I feel directionless in terms of what my calling is. Does it matter? Should I be worried? All these questions were giving me a headache, so I stopped thinking about them. I was so worried that my life would end when I quit, and it didn’t. That’s given me this bizarre sense of courage to throw caution to the winds. For real this time. So I stopped thinking about all these super important questions and dedicated two days to making my resume. I’d forgotten what it’s like to bury myself in a project that didn’t involve marathoning TV shows.

Because I can’t seem to stay away from drama, I’ve spent the last several days and nights caught in the middle of a terrible fight between two friends. Or a friend and a something else. It sounds terribly dramatic, and if my brother (who’s here) is to be believed, it’s terribly exciting to witness, but I’m kinda done with picking up drunken phone calls at 3am and then being guilt tripped for the last five years. WE HAD AN UNSPOKEN AGREEMENT, I want to yell, like Ross and his we-were-on-a-break line. But I’ve come to understand one thing. After you break someone’s heart, you aren't allowed to win with logic.

Speaking of my brother, he and I had this strange confidential conversation the day he came home. I always thought we were close but turns out I was wrong. He was in trouble, which wasn’t as bad as he thought it was but it was a lot more horrifying than anything I could have imagined for him. We slept at 3 that night, after he told me about his girlfriends and I told him about my exes to make him understand how love at 21 doesn’t always end well for everyone and how that's okay. He’s the same age as I was when I started this friends with benefits arrangement that blew up in my face a month ago. Even so, throughout the conversation with my brother, all I could think was, ‘What are you even talking about? You’re so young!’

Half of my Facebook friend list is vacationing in Goa right now, and the other half is in Europe. How do people my age have enough money to be able to do this? I hate Facebook for doing this. I don’t want to see your money and your travel and your fanciness. But this made me work harder on deciding the destination for my next weekend getaway. Also, when did Uttarakhand become so fancy? Every travel blog is asking me to go someplace in that state.

Because my mother and I have been getting on each other’s nerves for the last couple of weeks, I decided to cook today because I needed something from her later. I made chicken pulao, which looked better than it tasted, but it was good nonetheless. However, I could have saved myself the trouble because my mother got angry when I told her about the weekend trip anyway. My father asked me if I was asking for permission or just telling them. I told him that technically 25-year-olds shouldn’t be asking for permission for stuff like this. My mother was, of course, not on board with the idea. Her reason is embarrassingly sexist, so I’m not writing it here, but I’m amazed at how many things she wants me to give up for the imaginary husband. I’m going regardless, now more than ever. They can’t stop me.

My brother got a job. So at least one child in this family has one now. I think he’s going to turn it down in favour of MTech, though. I also turned down the only job offer I had till now because the salary was crap. I tried not to think about what if it were my only chance of moving out again.

I found this group of Brooklyn writers on Tumblr recently, and have been obsessing over them for the last few days. They make me feel not well-read and dumb, and even though I don’t understand so much of what they write about, I can’t stop reading.

The best thing about today was that I managed to do the chakrasana in yoga class without my instructor’s help.

I am watching One Day on TV right now, and I suddenly have too many feelings about 2011. The movie isn’t even that great, even though it has Anne Hathaway in it. But it was the book that cemented a work friendship that went on to become so much more. The book understood what it’s like to be in your twenties, I used to say, even though I was just 21 at the time. Four years later, I still don’t know much about what it’s like to be in your twenties. Confused? Desperate? But 2011 was a good year. I got the job, which I very dramatically quit two months ago, and I was so happy, so eager to please, so invincible with my writing and my potential and my newfound freedom in Delhi. The days, all days, weekends included, were meant for work, and most nights, too. But the evenings I didn't spend at work, I spent with someone I now go to great lengths to avoid. My twenties are only half-over, but every day I worry that the rest of this decade will go exactly the same way, while simultaneously thinking about what I’m going to do if it doesn't.

If I hadn’t quit, I’d have been in Delhi right now for fashion week. That’s all there is to know about my mood right now.