2020

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before?

Started a newsletter

Led a team of 27 people

Finally gave up on a decade-long relationship

Survived COVID

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no

5. What countries did you visit?

Lol, none

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?

A job that doesn't make me want to die

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory?

January 26, 2020 - the day my life became hell at work 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving the lockdown completely by myself for 3 months

Managing to keep my job and properly lead my team 

Telling my mother in no uncertain terms that I do not want a husband or child ever 

Not abandoning the newsletter 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not demanding a raise at work

And then not quitting once things got very, very bad

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Got COVID in November 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A jumpsuit! 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My family's and some very dear friends' 

My team's

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Some of my extended family's

My boss'

14. Where did most of your money go?

Online shopping for really random things

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My birthday party

The newsletter

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2020?

Trying to get the Ghunghroo step right at various birthday parties 

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Happier

2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter

3. Richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Read

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Work

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it having lunch with a dear friend in an actual cafe  

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Colleagues 

22. Did you fall in love in 2020?

No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?

None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

Single Parents

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

Gravity is the Thing

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Nothing, really.

28. What did you want and get?

To keep my job

29. What did you want and not get?

A little breathing room at my job

To be able to go back to my normal life

30. What were your favourite films of this year?

Thappad

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

30. I had a party at home with my friends!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Apart from the obvious, a raise

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?

I wore nothing but pyjamas April onwards 

34. What kept you sane?

My family. The fact that my parents, my brother and I were living in the same house again after 10 years.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Same answer as last year - Pretty much every Korean actor whose show I watched

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

I don't think I can - or should - choose one.  

37. Who did you miss?

My friends. My Gurgaon life.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

E

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020.

You should be prepared for anything, even the apocalypse. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

I can never answer this.

November 25, 2020 - A day to remember

Okay, Blogger has really changed since I last wrote something here. Usually I open this page when something bad happens or if I'm in a funk, but today I want to capture the relief of my day. Nobody even comes here anymore, including me, so this seems like the perfect place to put this down.

I had a conversation with my mother today, which is a rarity. We fight or argue or snap at each other all the time, but we rarely talk. I actively avoid spending much time alone with her unless an activity or watching Bigg Boss is involved, because it always ends in an argument. I have conversations with my father, but only showdowns with my mother.  

Today, I was sitting in her room because she was helping me pick which lipsticks to buy online. I was able to do this in the middle of the afternoon because I am currently on leave (my entire family and I have COVID - we are okay). She offhandedly asked me about the latest shaadidotcom boy I am speaking to, and I told her he had messaged me but I told him I'm sick so I'll speak to him next week. She said, "Arey beta talk to him properly. Obviously he's interested." Normally, I'd nod or say yes and move on, but today I said, "Why is he interested? On what basis has he shown interest considering every time we've spoken he hasn't bothered to ask me a single question about me?" And before she could say anything, I added, "I have to say that I just DO NOT understand this entire process. I am only doing this for you and papa but I HATE it."

Instead of bursting into tears or yelling at me - which are her two standard responses to something like this - she was like, you hate this or the concept of marriage? That was all the permission I needed. I unloaded all of my very unpopular opinions about marriage on her, most of which she had heard before but always when I was extremely agitated and incoherent. Today, I didn't feel attacked so I could properly explain to her why I just don't see myself ever getting married (or being happy in a traditional marriage).  

She said all the usual stuff - what about when we die, what about when you're older, what about your 'needs', what about the 1000 things we're 'supposed to' do? I told her I didn't care about anything and I am capable enough of taking care of myself and my needs, it's not like I will be an unmarried jogan. She laughed and said no, you can't date if you don't marry. I was like if that is your condition to call this off, I am READY. That is how much I hate the idea of getting married like this. 

She was quiet for a moment. Then she said, "And what about when you want kids?" We had never reached this far. My very controversial opinion about kids has never once been discussed in this house. I knew that this could end this peaceful moment between us but I felt like today was an all or nothing day. "I don't ever want kids, not even half a kid. I just... I can't do all this for another person. What you do for me, I could never do for another person. I'm not made like that. I'm also going to make it clear to every shaadidotcom boy. And I am never going to listen to anyone else about this, like I'm listening to you about shaadi, because it's about my body."

To my shock and endless relief, she laughed. "How are you like this? No one in our family is like this." "I am not joking. I cannot even think about having kids, the thought is only making me want to throw up." 

"Okay, fine," she said, "let's end this topic here. I've heard enough for one day." I persisted, "I'm serious. I am telling you I am not made for any of this. So it'll be best if you can talk to papa and tell him this is how I feel and I'd really like it if you stop throwing your money at these websites." 

"I don't think we'll give up so easily. You're only 30. But I do worry that if you somehow get married you'll make your husband miserable." Then she laughed. 

I knew I shouldn't push my luck any further, so I went back to choosing lipstick shades. A while later, when I was in my room, she poked her head in and said, "One year later, when your brother wants to marry, you're okay with your younger sibling getting married before you?" Yes. Of course. "Yes," I said. Okay, she said and left. 

I am not naive. I know that this is not the end of this discussion. But I am very pleasantly surprised that my mother didn't shut me down, that she actually heard what I was saying, and that she seemed 20% receptive to why I was feeling this way. This is 50000% more progress than I have ever made on this cursed topic with my parents. 

I don't know how this happened, why she was in this mood, but I am not going to question a miracle. And while I know that my battle is long and uphill, tonight I feel a sense of relief and lightness that I haven't felt since I was 24. 

2019 tag

I tried going without doing this tag for 2019, but it kept bothering me. Usually, I do this at the end of December, but I was in Dubai then. I would have done it for my birthday, but I was too overworked to do it then, so, well, here it is.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?
Auditioned for something and started doing videos
Got flowers and chocolates for Valentine's Day
Got laid off
Forever moved out of my childhood home

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
The UAE

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?
The feeling that I am on the way to becoming the best version of myself

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory?
August 18, 2019 - when I moved out of Jaipur

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Landing a job outside of my home town within two months of getting laid off

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting someone break my heart
Not sticking with my workout
Not saying NO loudly that night

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Dislocated my knee in April
Got a surgery done in October

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Decor stuff while setting up the new house
Some fancy makeup and skincare because it makes me very happy

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine and, in some instances, my parents'

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Also mine. And my parents'

14. Where did most of your money go?
Makeup and skincare

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving out

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2019?
Kalank

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Sadder
2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
3. Richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sticking to a healthy diet
Protecting myself against an abusive relationship

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Invested my time in a doomed relationship

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it at home, sick and preparing for Dubai. Two of my best friends came to see me.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
My ex

22. Did you fall in love in 2019?
Yes

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Schitts Creek

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
The Wedding Date
Daisy Jones and The Six

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing, really.

28. What did you want and get?
To move out

29. What did you want and not get?
A healthy, stable relationship with someone

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
Long Shot
Booksmart

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
29. I had a party with my office friends at our favourite place. I also got flowers and cake delivered to work by someone.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Better health and I could have definitely done without that heartbreak towards the end

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?
Breaking out of the stereotype of what fat girls can or cannot wear - same as last year.

34. What kept you sane?
My friends. My brother.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pretty much every Korean actor whose show I watched

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
At this point, it's hard not to be stirred by any political debate.

37. Who did you miss?
My brother. My friends once I moved out. My childhood home.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
M, from work

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results."

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
This is really hard. I can’t.

August

Nine days after I wrote the last post - asking the universe to change something, anything - I got laid off. I think 'fired' is more accurate, given everything that we found out later, but I cannot grasp that. I do not know how I survived June. I slept a lot, I read a lot, I watched a lot of TV. I didn't cry a lot, which initially worried me but eventually that sort of merged with all of my other worries. 

You hear this so often. People get laid off in the media all the time, but for some reason I didn't think it would happen to me. And yet. I have no idea how to even articulate everything that went through my mind in the last two months. I don't even want to think about it too much. 

But things are changing. Big things are happening, things I have wanted for a while. So I have crossed all my fingers and toes that this transition is as smooth as can be, and that I can land on my feet on the other end of it all. 

I need to make a lot of to-do lists and do a lot of things over the next two weeks, so I'm hoping that it'll take up so much of my time that I will not have much of it left to freak out. But, I mean, I am freaking out anyway. Though I feel like that's okay? For a while this summer I felt broken. Not emotionally, but in a way where I stopped giving a shit about some important stuff. At least now I'm worrying so that must mean I'm healing. Right?

I need something to happen. Something good. I am a pessimist, and I've been told that this is going to lead to my ultimate downfall, so here I am, trying to put what I want out in the world. I want a win. I want to feel like I haven't lost the last decade to a series of bad decisions - at work, with men, at home. I understand that this means I have to make certain changes in my life, but the lack of motivation cannot be my problem alone. Okay, maybe it is. I'll fix it, or I'll at least try to fix some part of it. But, other than that, please, my God, something needs to happen. 

I learned something truly horrifying about me last night. I am a pushover in my romantic relationships, even when I’m half-assing them. When, after a fight last night, I couldn’t sleep and kept randomly bursting into tears, I thought back to my first boyfriend, and then it hit me. Sooner or later, I turn into a doormat in most relationships with men. Even yesterday, in the middle of a fight with someone I don’t even consider my boyfriend – but I guess he was, don’t ask, it’s complicated – I was the one who called back, only to realise I can’t.

Despite all the toxicity and wrongness of this equation, I haven’t been able to sit still since morning because I am not talking to him. Or, well, he is not talking to me. I keep telling anyone who would care to listen that this is not what I want. This is not who I want. I am not what he wants. We are wrong for each other and because life isn’t a movie that is not romantic, it’s just sad. I think I place too much importance on the eight years. Knowing someone consistently for eight years, then dating them on and off for some time, how much can that account for, really? If I were to calculate all the time actually spent together, it’s probably not even two years. And two years is not a big deal in your 20s. Or is it? I just want to understand what it is that keeps me tied to him.

At first, this time, it was boredom. Then a sense of emotional obligation and genuine concern. But then I was bored again. And yet. And yet. I have this opportunity to bow out of this frankly going-nowhere equation and I am devastated. It could be the hormones. It could be that I’m starved for attention. But how pathetic do I have to be for that to be a valid reason to form any human connection. I agree, hand on heart, that we are not meant to last. We are not suited to each other. And that, ultimately, this had to happen. So if the universe is trying to save us more pain later and ending it like this with a lot of bitterness but no bitter words actually spoken out loud, why can’t I just accept it and move the fuck on?

I don’t even know why I am writing all this here, on a blog that even I don’t read anymore. Maybe to get some clarity. Maybe so that three months later I can come back, read this, and feel better about the fact that I don’t feel like this anymore. Because if I feel like this even three months later, I’m probably in love, right? And I’m unable to see it. Either way, I lose. I’ve been losing a lot. I don’t like it.

2018 tag

I usually do this every year in December no matter where I am or how busy I am, but somehow it just didn’t happen this year. Tomorrow is my 29th birthday, so I thought it was the perfect time to do this.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?
Wear dresses
Go to the gym pretty much every day for an entire year
Go to a strip club

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Thailand
Indonesia

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
A job that I enjoy in a city that is not this one

7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory?
September 14, 2018

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not having a full-on breakdown because of my living situation

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting myself out of this living situation
Repeatedly giving up on my health
Falling back into a toxic relationship

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was very sick for most of May/June

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Tickets to Thailand and Bali. Some makeup.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Also mine. And my bosses’

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The trips – Thailand, Bali, Delhi

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2018?
Nothing, really

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Happier
2. Thinner or fatter? Thinner
3. Richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sticking to a healthy diet
Saying no

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Giving in to temptation

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it preparing to leave for Delhi the next day and fighting with a lot of important people.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Friends. In the second half, an ex.

22. Did you fall in love in 2018?
No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Kaisi Yeh Yaariaan
The Bold Type
Younger

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
This was a terrible year for me in terms of reading. I honestly have no answer to this question, which is such a shame.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing, really.

28. What did you want and get?
Foreign travel

29. What did you want and not get?
To get out

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
My God, I truly cannot remember.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28. I spent the day at work, mostly freaking out about my ex getting back in touch with me. For dinner, I went out with three of my best friends.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Some more positive things happening in my life, overall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Breaking out of the stereotype of what fat girls can or cannot wear.

34. What kept you sane?
TV shows. Some new friendships.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Parth Samthaan

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Me Too

37. Who did you miss?
Delhi

38. Who was the best new person you met?
S, from work

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
If you can’t change your reality, accept it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
This is really hard. I can’t.