Angst. You've been warned.

So, apparently I will never learn. If you had told me, when I was 19 and freshly dumped, that one relationship would define all of my 20s, I'd have laughed at you. But, somehow, that has happened. Or maybe not? I am exceptionally emotional today about this person. I usually don't give a shit. I think what has happened is that my ego is hurt. I wanted to do this my way, but it happened his way, and my ego cannot deal with it. But the end result is the same, right? Freedom from his baggage. Freedom from ending up with him. So then why do I feel like someone died? How habitual can you become of a person in two months? Apparently a lot. I cannot bear to look at my phone anymore. I want it to ring. I want to be apologised to. And then... what? I'll throw it all away, right? Because I don't want this. So then why can't I just take this right now? Ego can be soothed. Could it be that I have been lying to myself for eight years? I don't want this to be the tragedy of my youth. God, look at all these words. Could I be more dramatic? Look at my complete disregard of his very personal, very real tragedy. People have bigger problems. So, please stop. You're embarrassing me.

Immediate life goals

1. Take the makeup class.
2. Learn how to tie a sari (or don't, but decide).
3. Go to the dentist.
4. Get PF money.
5. Collect the degree.
6. Restart skincare.
7. Order the phone.

210

I usually dislike all forms of pep talk because they rarely break through my shield of pessimism and cynicism. But this morning, a random lady in my gym said something so nice to me that I couldn't help but be motivated for, like, five minutes. Which is a lot for me. And she said it all so matter-of-factly, not in the way most people talk in gyms, with their high and mighty advice about weight loss and strength and bench pressing. She wasn't even trying to motivate me, she was just making conversation and stating the obvious, which I guess we sometimes miss because we're too busy wallowing in self-pity? And she said something that Sona used to say a lot. "Life is too long." As in, why are you worried about running out of time, life is too long and there is enough time. I think more people should think like that, instead of stressing about life being too short.  

I don't know. It made my entire morning, and even though the rest of the day was really crappy, five minutes of non-suckiness mean a lot to me in present circumstances. 

207

I just spent the last two hours reading old posts about the last time I had moved back home from Delhi because of reasons in and out of my control. I thought I'd cringe, but I did a lot of laughing and felt bad for 24-year-old me. She was really struggling. Possibly more than the 28-year-old is struggling right now, because I don't have an abusive boss this time around.

But all the emotions, all the resentment, it's all still there. How do I always go back to square one? It's a mystery but not a good one. I guess it's just lack of progress on my part. I don't rise to the occasion, I don't carpe diem. I never carpe diem.

My current boss is a sweet hippie-type woman who says stuff like, "let your mind heal your body". I try not to laugh in her face, but I often fail. I have been dealing with some severe health issues in the last one month, and the last thing I want to do is heal myself. That's what the fucking doctors are getting paid for.

My mother thinks I always fall sicker here than in Delhi because my heart is not in this city. Which... could be true but sounds like a load of shit. Because my heart has no idea where it is. Is it in Delhi, living an independent but drifting life? Is it with my ex, who can now never be with me but refuses to let go? Is it in the MAC store of DLF Promenade, where everything would magically get okay? Who knows? I don't.

I feel like I've forgotten how to blog. In fact, I just wrote to a friend that I have completely stopped blogging. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to change that. But all the self-righteous angst of my 24-year-old self reminded me that chronicling how shitty my life here was made it 0.1% better, and I wanted to see if that would happen again. 

2017 Tag

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?
Went on a road trip with friends
Led a team of eight writers

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
None

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
Good health

7. What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory?
October 31

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
There were no achievements this year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Moving back home

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not particularly

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A purple lipstick
A pair of earrings

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My brother’s

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Mine

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting a raise

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2017?
Nothing in particular

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Happier or sadder? Sadder
2. Thinner or fatter? Fatter
3. Richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Self-care

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Self-destruction 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it at work.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Friends

22. Did you fall in love in 2017?
No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Big Little Lies
Ishqbaaaz
Strong Woman Do Bong-Soon
The Good Place

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing in particular

28. What did you want and get?
A raise

29. What did you want and not get?
To stay in Delhi

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
I can’t remember. OK Kanmani? Girls Trip? Not sure.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
27. Took my brother to Dilli Haat. Went for a fancy dinner and got a very disturbing phone call from my ex.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting the job I applied for in April

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Dark lips, dark circles

34. What kept you sane?
Rediscovering my love for Hindi TV. Korean dramas.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Barun Sobti
Park Hyung-sik

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
At this point, it's hard to choose just one. But probably Aadhar.

37. Who did you miss?
Myself circa 2015

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Everyone sucked.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.
Control your life, or someone else will.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
"I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now. Why? 'Coz she's dead!"

Stolen tag

TEN things you wish you could say to people right now (don't take names):

1. I’ve never met anyone as incompetent as you.
2. You’ll never be able to replace me.
3. How do you know so little about me?
4. Your opinions are trash.
5. I cannot stand you anymore. 
6. Please don’t die.
7. I am not worth ruining your life over.
8. Stop these weddings.
9. I don’t want to talk about it.
10. Leave me alone.

NINE things about yourself:

1. I'm addicted to Hindi TV shows.
2. All my faves are problematic.
3. I love lipstick.
4. I’m a pessimist. 
5. I don’t think I can maintain a blog anymore.
6. Imposter syndrome.
7. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to write a novel.
8. I hate cooking.
9. I’m a good liar.

EIGHT ways to NOT win your heart:

1. Diss everything about Bollywood to me.
2. Force me to listen to English songs.
3. Tell me to calm down when I’m upset.
4. Tell me I’m not like other girls.
5. Overshare on Facebook/Instagram.
6. Make me choose between you and my friends. 
7. Call me in the middle of Bigg Boss.
8. Say something against my brother.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Why am I so tired?
2. Did I not sleep enough?
3. I’m not drinking enough water.
4. Where’s my phone?
5. I should have been an actor.
6. Am I hungry?
7. I want to be famous.

SIX things you wish you had never done:

1. Wasted six years with someone.
2. Wasted all my early 20s in that job.
3. Given up on that job application two years ago.
4. Been played by SA.
5. Been so easily emotionally manipulated by my parents.
6. Quit.

FIVE turn-offs:

1. People walking barefoot.
2. Bad grammar.
3. Losing it after drinking too much.
4. Morning people.
5. Long hair on guys.

FOUR turn-ons:

1. Angst eyes.
2. A flair for the dramatic.
3. Dancing skills.
4. Hands.

THREE things you want to do before you die:

1. Publish a successful book.
2. Kiss a stranger.
3. Star on Grey’s Anatomy.

TWO smileys that describe you:

1. Hands on eyes.
2. Tears of laughter.

ONE confession:

1. I hate everything.

For the second time in four years, I have failed myself. There are no words.