I need something to happen. Something good. I am a pessimist, and I've been told that this is going to lead to my ultimate downfall, so here I am, trying to put what I want out in the world. I want a win. I want to feel like I haven't lost the last decade to a series of bad decisions - at work, with men, at home. I understand that this means I have to make certain changes in my life, but the lack of motivation cannot be my problem alone. Okay, maybe it is. I'll fix it, or I'll at least try to fix some part of it. But, other than that, please, my God, something needs to happen. 

I learned something truly horrifying about me last night. I am a pushover in my romantic relationships, even when I’m half-assing them. When, after a fight last night, I couldn’t sleep and kept randomly bursting into tears, I thought back to my first boyfriend, and then it hit me. Sooner or later, I turn into a doormat in most relationships with men. Even yesterday, in the middle of a fight with someone I don’t even consider my boyfriend – but I guess he was, don’t ask, it’s complicated – I was the one who called back, only to realise I can’t.

Despite all the toxicity and wrongness of this equation, I haven’t been able to sit still since morning because I am not talking to him. Or, well, he is not talking to me. I keep telling anyone who would care to listen that this is not what I want. This is not who I want. I am not what he wants. We are wrong for each other and because life isn’t a movie that is not romantic, it’s just sad. I think I place too much importance on the eight years. Knowing someone consistently for eight years, then dating them on and off for some time, how much can that account for, really? If I were to calculate all the time actually spent together, it’s probably not even two years. And two years is not a big deal in your 20s. Or is it? I just want to understand what it is that keeps me tied to him.

At first, this time, it was boredom. Then a sense of emotional obligation and genuine concern. But then I was bored again. And yet. And yet. I have this opportunity to bow out of this frankly going-nowhere equation and I am devastated. It could be the hormones. It could be that I’m starved for attention. But how pathetic do I have to be for that to be a valid reason to form any human connection. I agree, hand on heart, that we are not meant to last. We are not suited to each other. And that, ultimately, this had to happen. So if the universe is trying to save us more pain later and ending it like this with a lot of bitterness but no bitter words actually spoken out loud, why can’t I just accept it and move the fuck on?

I don’t even know why I am writing all this here, on a blog that even I don’t read anymore. Maybe to get some clarity. Maybe so that three months later I can come back, read this, and feel better about the fact that I don’t feel like this anymore. Because if I feel like this even three months later, I’m probably in love, right? And I’m unable to see it. Either way, I lose. I’ve been losing a lot. I don’t like it.

2018 tag

I usually do this every year in December no matter where I am or how busy I am, but somehow it just didn’t happen this year. Tomorrow is my 29th birthday, so I thought it was the perfect time to do this.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before?
Wear dresses
Go to the gym pretty much every day for an entire year
Go to a strip club

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Thailand
Indonesia

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?
A job that I enjoy in a city that is not this one

7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory?
September 14, 2018

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not having a full-on breakdown because of my living situation

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting myself out of this living situation
Repeatedly giving up on my health
Falling back into a toxic relationship

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was very sick for most of May/June

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Tickets to Thailand and Bali. Some makeup.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Also mine. And my bosses’

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The trips – Thailand, Bali, Delhi

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2018?
Nothing, really

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Happier
2. Thinner or fatter? Thinner
3. Richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sticking to a healthy diet
Saying no

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Giving in to temptation

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it preparing to leave for Delhi the next day and fighting with a lot of important people.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Friends. In the second half, an ex.

22. Did you fall in love in 2018?
No

23. How many one night stands in this last year?
None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Kaisi Yeh Yaariaan
The Bold Type
Younger

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
This was a terrible year for me in terms of reading. I honestly have no answer to this question, which is such a shame.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing, really.

28. What did you want and get?
Foreign travel

29. What did you want and not get?
To get out

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
My God, I truly cannot remember.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28. I spent the day at work, mostly freaking out about my ex getting back in touch with me. For dinner, I went out with three of my best friends.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Some more positive things happening in my life, overall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?
Breaking out of the stereotype of what fat girls can or cannot wear.

34. What kept you sane?
TV shows. Some new friendships.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Parth Samthaan

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Me Too

37. Who did you miss?
Delhi

38. Who was the best new person you met?
S, from work

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.
If you can’t change your reality, accept it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
This is really hard. I can’t.

Angst. You've been warned.

So, apparently I will never learn. If you had told me, when I was 19 and freshly dumped, that one relationship would define all of my 20s, I'd have laughed at you. But, somehow, that has happened. Or maybe not? I am exceptionally emotional today about this person. I usually don't give a shit. I think what has happened is that my ego is hurt. I wanted to do this my way, but it happened his way, and my ego cannot deal with it. But the end result is the same, right? Freedom from his baggage. Freedom from ending up with him. So then why do I feel like someone died? How habitual can you become of a person in two months? Apparently a lot. I cannot bear to look at my phone anymore. I want it to ring. I want to be apologised to. And then... what? I'll throw it all away, right? Because I don't want this. So then why can't I just take this right now? Ego can be soothed. Could it be that I have been lying to myself for eight years? I don't want this to be the tragedy of my youth. God, look at all these words. Could I be more dramatic? Look at my complete disregard of his very personal, very real tragedy. People have bigger problems. So, please stop. You're embarrassing me.

Immediate life goals

1. Take the makeup class.
2. Learn how to tie a sari (or don't, but decide).
3. Go to the dentist.
4. Get PF money.
5. Collect the degree.
6. Restart skincare.
7. Order the phone.

210

I usually dislike all forms of pep talk because they rarely break through my shield of pessimism and cynicism. But this morning, a random lady in my gym said something so nice to me that I couldn't help but be motivated for, like, five minutes. Which is a lot for me. And she said it all so matter-of-factly, not in the way most people talk in gyms, with their high and mighty advice about weight loss and strength and bench pressing. She wasn't even trying to motivate me, she was just making conversation and stating the obvious, which I guess we sometimes miss because we're too busy wallowing in self-pity? And she said something that Sona used to say a lot. "Life is too long." As in, why are you worried about running out of time, life is too long and there is enough time. I think more people should think like that, instead of stressing about life being too short.  

I don't know. It made my entire morning, and even though the rest of the day was really crappy, five minutes of non-suckiness mean a lot to me in present circumstances. 

207

I just spent the last two hours reading old posts about the last time I had moved back home from Delhi because of reasons in and out of my control. I thought I'd cringe, but I did a lot of laughing and felt bad for 24-year-old me. She was really struggling. Possibly more than the 28-year-old is struggling right now, because I don't have an abusive boss this time around.

But all the emotions, all the resentment, it's all still there. How do I always go back to square one? It's a mystery but not a good one. I guess it's just lack of progress on my part. I don't rise to the occasion, I don't carpe diem. I never carpe diem.

My current boss is a sweet hippie-type woman who says stuff like, "let your mind heal your body". I try not to laugh in her face, but I often fail. I have been dealing with some severe health issues in the last one month, and the last thing I want to do is heal myself. That's what the fucking doctors are getting paid for.

My mother thinks I always fall sicker here than in Delhi because my heart is not in this city. Which... could be true but sounds like a load of shit. Because my heart has no idea where it is. Is it in Delhi, living an independent but drifting life? Is it with my ex, who can now never be with me but refuses to let go? Is it in the MAC store of DLF Promenade, where everything would magically get okay? Who knows? I don't.

I feel like I've forgotten how to blog. In fact, I just wrote to a friend that I have completely stopped blogging. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to change that. But all the self-righteous angst of my 24-year-old self reminded me that chronicling how shitty my life here was made it 0.1% better, and I wanted to see if that would happen again.