I got a job offer. I’m going to say no, in all probability, but just the fact that I got an offer without even applying somewhere made me feel like things might turn out okay.

I want to take another trip. Not a long one, maybe just a weekend away. First I thought I’d do it this long weekend, but my brother’s coming home tomorrow, so I postponed it. Does anyone have any suggestions for a weekend getaway close to Delhi/Jaipur?

I’m glad he’s going to be home, though. Because it takes the focus off me. I’m not very good with being the only child around.

Yesterday my Yoga instructor twisted my body into inhuman shapes during what he called ‘therapy yoga’ and then told me that I have a very flexible body for someone with my weight. That made me very happy.

***

This evening, a friend picked me up from home and we were just driving around the market trying to decide what to eat.

Me: Do we want to go to Burger Farm? But that’s too many calories.

She: Maybe the spinach toast at CCD?

Me: Maybe. Who are you calling?

She: My mom. To tell her I’ll be late. You think of where we can go, just don’t say it out loud or mumma will hear you.

Me: You know that other 25-year-old girls hide boyfriends, sex, drugs and alcohol from their mothers, right? What are we hiding? Food. 

She: I can't decide if that's pathetic or funny.

***

The search for a mind-blowing book continues.

I woke up this morning drowning in existential angst – the kind I haven’t felt in a couple of months. Last night, in an attempt to distract myself, I poked the bear and got an earful in return. I had to hear (or read) things I didn’t want to, hurtful things that were dramatic but also a little true. And then I cried while watching Enough Said. When you’re sobbing through a romcom, you know shit is hitting the fan.

So this morning when I woke up, I was in a bad mood. But then I watched The Princess Diaries 2 on TV, which I don’t even like that much, but it’s Mia Thermopolis in some form, so it was fine. Then I watched The Hundred-Foot Journey, which a friend has raved about in the past. I loved it. It made me want to learn how to cook and live in a small French village (I know that I’ll hate that kind of life, but still). And then I watched Julie and Julia, which I’ve already seen some five times. I fell asleep in the middle of it and woke up hungry.

There are two kinds of movies that make me want the protagonist’s job – dance movies and chef movies. I love dancing and I hate cooking. But since I had no way of dancing today, I decided to cook. I told my mother I’ll make paneer tonight. She tried not to look too thrilled and jinx this turn of events. So I made paneer, the really basic kind. Just marinate it and shallow fry, no curry, nothing. But it was still cooking, it was still me spending 10 minutes in the kitchen, which is a progress from zero.

I’m watching this really average movie called This Is 40 right now, but overall it wasn’t a bad Sunday.

I spent all of today figuring out my Myers–Briggs personality type (ENFP, if you’re interested), finishing a very uncomplicated YA novel, putting off making an uncomfortable phone call and thinking about the birthday boy (which I really shouldn’t have wasted so much time on). But it’s not like I had anything else to do – my days are just that easy breezy now. I was supposed to work on my resume but I didn’t, because even a little work seems like too much work these days. I’m surprised at how chilled out I am about this sabbatical. The last time I didn’t have a job, right after my internship, I was losing my mind. Now, even though I’m very aware of my joblessness, I’m not freaking out. Yet.

I still miss Delhi too much, though. Far more than I used to when I was still working.

Things I thought about when I was supposed to be meditating in yoga class today

Am I going bald?

My right arm really hurts.

Have I burned all the calories I consumed in last night’s gigantic meal?

It’s so hot.

How dare this woman tell her 5-year-old to exercise or “you’ll become motu”?

How can I think about doing Vipasana if I can’t even meditate for 2 minutes?

Oh my God, it’s his birthday tomorrow. How am I supposed to act?

Can we please turn the fans on again?

My shows are back today! I just hope the Wi-Fi is working properly.

Thank God I don’t have to go to the doctor today.

Meri desi look, meri desi look, meri – ugh, why is this song stuck in my head!

Maybe I should do 20 more Surya Namaskars to make up for eating the noodles.

Can I open my eyes now?

While driving to my zumba class this morning, I saw the metro. Because this is the city I live in with my parents, a car and a driving license, I never have to take the public transport. At the most I take autos from malls because I still can’t do underground parking (which should be the next thing on my agenda). It’s been almost four months since the Jaipur Metro began operations and I’ve seen it maybe thrice.

But this morning when I saw it, when I was already 20 minutes late for class, I almost stopped my car to just stare at it. Because in this city that is definitely not Delhi, the low-floor buses and the metro confuse me a lot. Every time I see them I have to stop for a second to figure out where I am. And every time I realize that I'm not in Delhi anymore. Even though zumba and yoga are so intense I can’t really dwell on anything in those classes, seeing the metro only exacerbated what I’d been feeling for the last couple of days – a yearning for Delhi. For the city, not the people. For my places, not my friends.

I don’t know why. Maybe because I finally have some time to myself? Maybe because I watch too much American TV and sometimes miss the Delhi life that didn’t really exist – the walking around markets, sitting in cafes laughing with friends? Maybe because it’s raining?

I could take a trip to Delhi, of course. I have lots of friends there. But there are a few, um, issues that I’d have to deal with if I go. And I don’t think I’m ready for that confrontation yet.

In other news, I’m desperately looking for amazing, devastating books to read. Please recommend?

50 questions

I saw this on berlin-artparasites and decided to do it here because this is too personal for Facebook (and I don’t want this blog to die before it’s even born). You’re free to pick this up if you want.

1: What would you name your future daughter?
Redacted

2: Do you miss anyone?
Not particularly

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
I’d say thank you

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
Yes, at 19. It shaped me in so many ways.

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
A friend’s wedding

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Stayed in

7: How late did you stay up last night?
Till 1am

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Yes

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
I was cleaning my desk

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
No

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Yes, just like I’ve gone 25 years without it

12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Haven’t you?

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Yes, just like I’ve gone 25 years without it

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Always? I doubt it.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Yes

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
Yes

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Oh, yes

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
Not romantically, no

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
No

20: Who did you last see in person?
My mother

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
But you can’t go out on Tuesday. You’ll have to put eyeliner for me – to my mother

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
No

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
No

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes

25: Do you use chap stick?
ALWAYS

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
My nani

27: Are you listening to music right now?
No

28: What is something you currently want right now?
To lose weight

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
Yes

30: How is your heart lately?
It’s just fine.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Yes

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
13 days ago

33: What do people call you?
Redacted

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Haven’t you?

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
A few

36: What are you listening to right now?
The hum of the AC in my room

37: What is wrong with you right now?
My throat itches a little.

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
Meh. It’s overrated.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
I make wishes every minute.

40: What is on your wrists right now?
Kalawa from two different pujas

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
I’m not single, but I’m not taken either.

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
My mother got it for me.

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Yes

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Yes

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
No

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was reading Three Wishes by Liane Moriarty.

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Not at all.

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
Alone

49: Have you ever been to New York?
No

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yes

Although of course you end up becoming yourself*

Thirty-eight days since I’ve been jobless.

Contrary to what I’d thought, I’m not dying. I’m alive and thriving. In the last 38 days, I’ve thrown a bachelorette party, I’ve taken a vacation, I’ve started doing yoga, and I’ve broken someone’s heart. None of these things sound like they are about me, which is why I decided that I needed a new identity. A new blog, a new name, a new everything. Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to do – wiping the slate clean? And since that’s never going to happen in real life – refer post title – the least I can do is wipe my online slate clean. The previous blog had so much baggage that if it were a person it’d need two sessions of therapy daily.

I don’t know how much of a fresh start this is going to be. I could just as well fall back into old patterns and kill whatever is left of my spirit. But something tells me there’s a better chance of me making it through this time. And the narcissist that I am, even though I don’t feel like writing a lot these days, I want to document the whole process.

I’m re-reading The Sky Is Everywhere these days, and it’s making my heart sing. I’m also watching Californication for the first time, and it gives me so much hope for anyone who can’t seem to stop screwing up.

*Title credit goes directly to a friend and indirectly to David Lipsky.